Cyn vs. The World

Happy Friday Blogdom!


Am I a bad parent if I say that my daughter is literally draining the life out of me?
Because she is…

I love her more than life – but dear Lord she is demanding lately. She had her two year check up last week and the doctor deemed her as *advanced* -- she speaks in full sentances, can spell her name, counts to ten in English and Spanish, yadda yadda – I could go on and on – but then I would become one of THOSE parents that I pretty much loathe.

The thing about having an *advanced* child is the need for constant stimulation. Miss Skylar must be doing something at all times – she is not the sit down and watch TV type. That’s not to say she doesn’t watch TV (how do you think she learned how to count in Spanish – thank you Sesame Street!) but her attention span for such things is limited. So we are constantly trying to find ways to entertain her and keep her going (and tire her out at time...).

Chasing bubbles!

Oh and did I mention she doesn’t nap? So this is an all day from 7am to 8pm sort of thing.

Look at her sweet little face -- all excited about picking her first tomato out of her garden -- which she tasted and ran off saying it was *gross*...

And I feel so much guilt for even saying all of this. She is a BLESSING, such a cuddlebug sweetie-pie and I am elated that she is so smart. And I think of all the people in the world trying desperately to have a baby and here I am complaining about mine…

But girlfriend IS high-maintenance!

I am just wiped by the time she goes to bed.
There hasn’t been one night this week that I have stayed up past 9:30ish and that is just SADDDDDD! I even missed the premier of Season Three of Ancient Aliens last night!
Why oh why did they move it to 10pm? Us lame-o’s can’t stay up that late!!!

I think between my demanding two year old, a week of difficult sittings at work, still adjusting to my meds, PMSing like a MoFo, and everything else in between – I am just toast!

I was a little disenchanted earlier this week. After feeling SO good on the new medication I seemed to come to a stand-still this week and started to feel some of the old anxiety and tension. Then I realized that this is MAJOR PMS week – and in case I have never mentioned it – I am a raging hormonal Biznotch when I PMS. I can go from emotional wreck to a wrecking ball in the blink of an eye. So with that in mind, in all actuality – the meds are STILL working great. I feel a little out of sorts but NOTHING like a typical PMS week.
YaY for Wellbutrin…lol!

Oh and PMS has certainly brought my appetite back and the only thing I want to eat is pretzel M&M’s and Jelly Belly’s.
Bahhh!

And I have been such a bad vegan this week… cheese why do you smite me so???
I admit it – I had cheese twice this week.
I ran out of vegan cheese and caved for the real stuff.
*hangs head in shame*

It makes me think of the movie “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World” (which I LOVE) and the part where Todd the psychic vegan is stripped of his powers by The Vegan Police for eating gelato.

Any minute they will be bursting into my home to strip me of my vegan *powers*… HA!

Oh well at least I am adhering to my strict no meat policy.

Brian FINALLY got his much anticipated promotion this week! Sadly it means ALL super early (3am two days and 5am three days) mornings. But it’s Monday thru Friday (no weekends – lucky duck!) and he is home a good portion of the day.
It’s an adjustment though – I seem to wake up when he does and that is probably part of the reason I am dragging ass.
But it took TWO YEARS to find a decent job so YAY!
Rhode Island has one of the worst unemployment rates in the country.


Just a thought…
I am thinkin’ of revamping my blog a bit. A little less fluff and more writing. This does NOT mean I will cease to be flooding my blog with photos of my family… that just will never happen. But I think I want to stop some of the silliness and the need to post something every single day.
A quality over quantity sorta thing.
I think the new meds make me see things in a different light? I don’t feel the need to constantly please and am a lot more happier to just be.
I will blog when I feel like it…
Like it should be!

And there ya have it…
cyn

Saturday Musings...

She is definitely MY daughter – already a shoe obsession!

So this REALLY weird thing happened – I managed to get the entire weekend off and I didn’t even ask???
Woa…
Did the planets align when I wasn’t looking???
The thing is that during the summer months we are dead on weekends as I assume most people are doing the summery thing like BBQ’s and such. So here I am with a weekend off without even requesting it – sa-weet!

Another weird thing happened…
I have been missing the South (I am originally a Southern Belle via the Mississippi Gulf Coast) and the South decided to come up and visit me.
How nice!
Seriously oppressive HOT ASS weather in these parts. Yesterday we topped 100 degrees and today will be equally hot. But I am not complaining – just sweating bullets with a smile because hot weather is WAY better than cold weather in my humble opinion.

So we have had a great week – a lot of time in our pool and playing outside – which is a MUST when you have a clever two year old who seems to need constant stimulation.

It’s not a successful play day unless ya gotta dirty face!

Guaring her castle…

Sandbox time…

Skylar and Hunter

Hunter


In other news…
I am still feeling really great – the only side effect I have noticed is a lack of appetite (not necessarily a bad thing) and a feeling that nothing tastes very good (also not necessarily a bad thing). I have consciously had to make myself eat at times and it showed on my weigh-in yesterday.
I was down SEVEN pounds.
Of course I am happy about that – I am currently in a new weight bracket that I havent seen in a year.
I just wish it had been done in a healthier way. But it is the MAJOR push over the hump that has bogged me down for months. I will just make an effort to eat better this week!

Although I/We (my son Peyton & I) did have a good workout week – even despite the heat. We walked and spent a lot of time in the pool swimming. Sadly – we are TOTALLY slacking on the 30 Day Shred. I keep saying I will do it and don’t?
I do have a lot going on – but who doesn’t?
We just need to quit talking about it and just do it!

One final thing…
Every single time I think of doing a drastic cut to my hair I see someone who did and hates it…
Makes me really re-think the whole *chop your hair off* thing.

Vanessa Hudgens is a beautiful girl hands down with long or short hair. Apparently she chopped her locks for a movie and absolutely hates it calling it *soccer Mom* hair.
I dunno exactly what *soccer Mom* hair is but the cut definitely is not worthy of a gorgeous 22 year old and I think it makes her a bit matronly. Although that dress is fabulous!

I still want to take a significant amount of hair off – but anything past the collar bone is a wee bit drasticand I certainly don’t want *soccer Mom* hair -- whatever the hell that is? Although there is part of me that dreams of a SUPER short haircut that I can just roll out of bed, rub some pomade into, and go.
Ahhh to dream...

HaPPy SaTurDaY BLoGdoM!
♥cyn♥

THinGs I am L♥VIN' Thursday

Yeah I know it’s technically Friday – gah – the day got away from me yesterday…

HaPPy L♥VEfest!

OMGosh do I ever – it is my current obsession and a site I am on daily. (Thank you Lesley from Fabulously Flawed for showing me the way!) It’s a site to catalog things you love – and well, I love LOTS of things! I have cleaned up so much space on my PC thanks to Pintrest!
And yes, you need to be *invited* to join – but I am guessing EVERYONE gets invited.
If you are already there – come find me – Cyn Knight!
Let’s be Pintrest Pals!

Ummm yeah – who wouldn’t want an ginormous industrial strength stainless steel curly slide in their home???
I L♥VE it and if I had that space – you bet your sweet arse I would have it! Although I cannot imagine what something like that must cost?!?!

Love this idea!
I L♥VE mirrors – but they can be quite expensive – this is just three floor-length mirrors ($6 a piece at WalMart) hung on the wall horizontally.
GENIUS!

I don’t have any little boys anymore as mine are on the verge of turning 15 & 17 (WTF!!!) – but this costume is FABULOUS! Brian and I L♥VEEEEEEEEEEEE *Nacho Libre* -- and this ensemble is just classic funny!
Heh-heh!

I ♥ Bookshelves…
What a perfect way to make a room complete AND have a place to store books or whatever you like. When we move – I AM having bookshelves by-golly!

Chevron stripes – so L♥VE them!!!
I have a newfound love for stripes – and give me a chevron stripe and I am giddy as hell. (I know – I REALLY need to get out more!)

I am seriously L♥VE’n this ‘do (the cut not the color) and seriously considering going under the scissor and going this length.
That would entail taking about five inches (give or take) off.
Hair is SUCH a crutch – I like having longer hair but ack – it spends the majority of the time up in a clip. I need something A LOT easier to tend to.

I L♥VE Succulents – or Hens & Chicks as my Mom calls them. I just love the variations and colors.
They are of the cactus family so they thrive in poor soil and with little water!
YAY!
Just the plants for me!!!
I LOVE the succulent gardens – just lovely!!!

Finally...

I L♥VE Ancient Aliens – it is my MOST favorite show.
And I really L♥VE that Season 3 starts NEXT Thursday July 28th!!!
*w00t*

So there ya have it – just a taste of the things that are blowing my skirt up – what are you L♥VE’n this week?!?!?!

♥cyn♥

Oh yes!
Gotta PiMP...
Come HoP!










***All images via Pintrest***

This & That...

HaPPy WedNesDaY!

So what’s up?
Well I dunno about the rest of the planet but I am feeling pretty nifty these days. Seriously – if I knew that I would feel THIS good THIS fast I would have gotten myself some Wellbutrin A LOT sooner than this.
Now, I am totally realistic and know that I am still adjusting and will continue to adjust to this medication for the next five weeks – so I cannot assume that I am *cured* just because I consistently feel happier than Elvis after a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich. But I am hopeful and any improvement is improvement!
Even Brian says I am noticably *different*.
So fingers and toes crossed that this medication will continue to do what it’s doing. Because me likey!

So moving along…
I had to post these photos of Skylar’s garden because it is doing extremely AWESOME!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Wow, nice melons!
*smirk*

Oh and lookie – it’s Bruce the Spruce – my freebie tree from Home Depot on Earth Day – he flourishes!
BEFORE:

AFTER:

Our little Dancing Queen…

She’s got MAD moves…

Just being cute in her white hat that I bought for the pool that she insists on wearing ALL THE TIME…

Who could resist that smile?
Certainly not I!

Baby blues -- she gets them from me!

So all in all -- life is good and getting steadily better.

♥cyn♥

Motivational Monday...

Indeed!

♥cyn♥

Sh*t I Hate Sunday...

I generally live by the belief that positive energy brings positive things... BUT sometimes ya just gotta vent and get shit off your chest. I think if I vented a bit more in a positive way -- I might feel a lot less on the verge of having a meltdown.

So with that being said...
I have decided to play along with this fun hop.
Link up, rock the button, and play along if ya feel like it.












I hate people who kiss ass -- especially on Facebook -- you know the type; no matter what certain people post they ALWAYS *like* it or make comments about it. So annoying and transparent...

I hate that my Goddess Group is on hiatus for the summer. I TOTALLY get why -- people are busy this time of year being elsewhere -- but doesn't mean I won't miss my girls and our kickass chickness!

I hate that the very first day I wore my brandy-new peacock feather earrings I lost one... super FAIL!

I hate that I haven't been true to myself in too long to remember... but I am SO working on that and will bounce back and then you are all screwed... HA!

I hate that my hair is turning gray -- wait -- I LOATHE that my hair is going gray. Yeah, yeah I am 41 in years but seriously I only feel 31 at best and that is way too friggen young to have gray! And yes there is hair color -- but ack trying to blend my roots to the rest of my color sucketh... boo hiss!

I hate that I let my cute little herb garden bite the dust... okay I still have rosemary and chives -- but my sage, oregano, and basil are toast. Sad!

And last but not least and certainly my biggest rant...
I hate when people come to my work (I work in retail photography -- The Studio at Target to be exact) and want the same service they would receive at a private photographer for Target prices. Seriously -- a private photographer can charge $500 just for a sitting fee -- that is NOT including portraits-- which can cost into the thousands of dollars. They usually have at least one assistant and have THREE HOURS for a sitting. If you want your babies portraits to look like all the FABULOUS shots you see on Google images or Pintrest -- PAY FOR THEM! Not that we don't do amazing work -- we DO -- but we are on a tight schedule -- ten minute sittings on busy days (yeah and I wonder why I take Wellbutrin now) and I certainly do not have an assitant helping me set up backgrounds and props or to help me pose, style (amazing how many parents come in with their kids looking like they just rolled outta bed), and round up (a nice word for chase down) children. All of that for a self-proclaimed *picky* parent to whip out their $7.99 coupon and try to whittle down the price from there...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*wow that felt good*

In totally unrelated but necessary news:

I know I am just a few days in on the new meds but I swear I already feel different. Okay I don't *feel* different -- I just feel less anxious and apprehensive about EVERYTHING.

For example...
Yesterday at work on a busy Saturday being booked solid in the morning and working with a new gal(who is a sweetheart but just new and inexperienced which means I need to shoot all day) the camera decides to shit the bed in the middle of a sitting.
I spent an hour on helpdesk, I had to reschedule the people waiting in the lobby, call the upcoming sittings to reschedule, and send the poor new girl to another studio to get us a replacement camera. We were down for almost three hours and normally this type of chaos would send me in a tailspin. I might seem okay on the outside but I would have been DYING on the inside.
Yesterday that wasn't the case.
I dealt with it and didn't panic.
AT ALL.
I didn't come home in a bad mood (shocking) and I wasn't ranting about work all night.
*woa*

So yeah... I am really liking this Wellbutrin. It seems to be doing exactly what it is suppose to -- and I am shocked that it seems to be helping this early on. But I am also realistic... I know it is a process and not an instant cure. I could totally freak out in another situation.
But I am making progress -- and that shit I like!

♥cyn♥

Hippity-BLoG-HoPs

Showin' some love and pimpin' out some of my fave HoPs!

Link up -- have some fun with these kickass HoPs!

After my post earlier I needed to lighten it up a bit! ;)

TGIF!

♥cyn♥

Inside My Own Head

‘Ello Blog-o-sphere!

So I have kinda been a wee bit MIA this week – usually I post almost daily – but I have been (as I call it) a bit *in my own head* lately.

Plus I have been a little unsure how much I wanted to share about my experience in addressing my depression. Even just typing the word is hard for me… for some odd reason I feel better calling it *anxiety*? Which it is, but the anxious feelings stem from something else.
I digress…

But I have decided that being as honest as I can be about it will only help me… and right now I need to help me as much as I can!
So with that being said; I saw my primary care doctor and the whole experience went so much better than I had hoped. And trust me – I was SUPER wound up about even going.
I went in, told her exactly how I was feeling and I was diagnosed as clincally depressed -- your basic depression with atypical symptoms.

It’s funny how denial works. I have known something wasn’t *right* for a long time – but I equated it to stress or individual situations – never really looking at the BIG picture. When I finally did, I realized that it was a bigger problem than I thought and something I couldn’t deal with on my own.
I am no longer the vivacious person I once was who cared about every single aspect of her life. I have become complacent, sad, and basically numb. I am not an active participant in my own life – just going through the motions and finding very little joy in doing so. That friends is not how it should be. I want to be *ME* again.

So I was prescibed Wellbutrin and I am currently seeking a therapist to work through some of my issues. Not sure if and what my medical will cover and I have not had the best experiences with therapists.

I am happy to be on the right path – but I gotta admit; being *medicated* scares the shit out of me. And when the doctor initially threw out the word *prozac* (she decided Wellbutrin would be better for me) I nearly pee’d myself.
YIKES!

There is a certain stigma to it all.
But the doctor assured me that more people than I can ever even imagine are in the same boat I am and taking *medication*. And really -- does it matter? This is about me -- screw the world!

But even the *screw it* attitude still doesn’t fully ease me – but that is my anxiety working overtime as always.

So I am on the Wellbutrin (just a few days in) and adjusting to that which makes me feel over-caffinated yet oddly super aware.
Does that make any sense?
Currently I take one pill per day but next week I will up the dose to two pills per day and continue on that until… well, who knows?
Jessica, my doctor, says that I need to be on Wellbutrin a good six weeks until I know for sure how it is helping me. Another reason why I want to write about and be honest about this experience. I want to track my progress.

I see Jessica in mid-September and I am really hoping it is a MUCH better visit. I really want this to work and not be one of those poor individuals who have to go through a bevy of medications to find out the one that works best for them.
The thought of that process SUPER scares me.

So that is my story and I am sticking to it.
And I promise that my blog will not become some sad blog solely about depression and my process to dig myself out of the hole. But it will be a part it.
Life carries on… and hopefully it carries on in a different HAPPIER direction!

♥cyn♥

*** On a side note ***
Thank you for the kind comments and encouragement! It means more to me than words can express. I love this community! And if anyone has any experiences with depression and/or Wellbutrin I would LOVEEEEEE to hear about them. You can leave me a comment or email me directly (Link on my profile).
xxoo!

HoLLa: Weight Loss Update & Confessions

(Dontcha just L♥VE Betty???)

Ello Blog-o-sphere!

So I haven't written a weight loss update in a couple of weeks (busy, busy, STRESSED, busy gal) so I figured I best get to it.

So here goes…
At last Friday’s weigh-in I was down a total of 5.2 lbs since starting the 30 Day Shred on July 4th!!
*Cues “Can’t Touch This” and starts to break out her best MCHammer moves*

Of course I mentioned that I restarted it with my son last Thursday and we were off to a killer start – but then the weekend hit – I work a good portion of the weekend and the boys had a sleepover and a totally separate birthday party to attend.

Yeah…
Excuses – valid; but not good enough to skip our workout the past two days.

Tomorrow we are back in actions – NO EXCUSES!

Diet wise – I am doing good.
I am 100% Vegan and doing well with avoiding my nemesis – CANDY!

I feel good about my choices and certainly about losing 5.2 lbs!
I feel like I am on a roll… and will not let a couple of downer days derail me!

So a little confession of I sorts...
I am currently seeking help for anxiety. And by saying I am *seeking help* I mean I am seeking medical attention at the moment. Where that leads? Who knows?

It is something I have known has been an issue for me for quite awhile but also something I was hoping I could handle on my own. It has become apparent to me that I cannot.
I wonder if I am not suffering from a bit of depression – maybe even post partum? I am not sure… but the fact is that I haven’t felt like ME in a very long time and I think I need some help.
Either way – I can only rise up from here.
I am trying to not overthink the process until I know exactly what is wrong – all I know right now is that something is definitely wrong.
And it is amazing how just saying that much has helped me.
I feel good about the path I am on...
Updates to follow!

So to end this post on a high note – here are some photos of Skylar at the pool and her just being the cutest little nudist in the world.
*BIG SMILES*

♥cyn♥

Motivational Monday...

It's not me ... it's YOU!
*heh*

HaPPy MoNdaY!!
♥cyn♥

10 Days of BS: Day Ten

★Day 10- Write a letter to you at 16 years old.

(me circa 1991-ish and ROCKIN' a bad perm)

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Okay first of all – you are NOT fat. You may not be some stick figure like the other girls you go to school with – but you are 5’9” with gorgeous legs, perky boobs, a perfect bum, FANTASTIC hair, stunning blue eyes, and a killer smile that will make the guys all wonder what you are up to – know this now instead of 16 years from now. You possess power – use it!

Secondly – being smart and witty is a good thing. Some day it will be something that defines you.

Don’t chop your hair off or worse; perm it – you will SO regret it!

Wear heels – who cares if you are already a tall gal – rock it, own it, and wear what you like despite what all the short guys you will encounter in your life think.

Don’t drink so much – enough said.

Wear sunscreen – and DO NOT go to Ship Island and get that ridiculous sunburn that makes you literally ill. There is no need for such stupidity!

Hug your brother – he needs it.

Let your Mom throw you that big graduation party – she is so proud of you. But let that be the absolute last thing she does for you… you are a big girl now and need to be on your own!

DO NOT LEAVE COLLEGE – no matter how much you tell yourself you will return next semester – you won’t.

Ignore the older guy at work who flirts with you – he is too old and MARRIED – no matter what he says. Oh and he just wants to get in your pants.

Travel as much as you can while you can.

Live YOUR life for YOU!

Listen to your gut – your vibes are NEVER wrong!!!!

And most importantly…
Love you – no really – LOVE YOURSELF more than anything else. You will never be the best partner, Mother, friend, anything until you do!

Love ya,
♥me♥

PS...

Thanks Destiny -- this challenge was awesome and really made me dig deep!!

10 Days of BS: Day Nine

★Day 09- If your life was made into a movie what would the title be and who would you cast to play you?

Wow this was a toughie…
On both counts…
But the title of my *LIFE* movie would be “Stranger Than Fiction” and after much debate I would have to say Bryce Dallas Howard to play me – she looks kinda like me and I loved her in ‘The Village’.
Brian suggested Elizabeth Burkeley – ha – guessing it was a Showgirls/stripper/super tall chick thing???

Anywho – whatcha think in regards to picking an actress by looks????

ME

Bryce Dallas Howard

My long-ass lost twin huh?
*heh*

♥cyn♥

10 Days of BS: Day Eight

(click me)


★Day 08- Has a person of the same sex made a pass at you, and what was your reaction?

I used to work in a strip club for quite a few years… oh the stories I could tell – but that is a WHOLE other post.

Anywho – I used to work in a seedy strip club that pretty much lived up to the typical cliches of such establishments. And the rumors that most dancers are lesbian and/or bisexual are true; at least in my experience. So yes – I have been hit on by other women – almost daily in fact back in those days – and many times before and since.

My reaction?
COOL BEANS!

I think sexuality is a gift – and I have embraced my gift openly and because of this I have no issue with anyone’s choice in what melts their butter. As long as all parties are willing and happy to oblige – who gives a flip?

Plus come on – women are sexy. We (generally) are soft, have curves, smell nice, and flaunt it. Even if you aren’t into chicks you have to at least appreciate our bonafide sexiness as a gender!

So with that being said…
I am always flattered by ANYONE who flirts with me and am gracious to those who do it with respect, dignity, and fun.
So bring on the flirtin’ – LOL!

♥cyn♥

THinGs I am L♥VIN' Thursday

HaPPy L♥VEfest!

OMGosh what a crazy week it has been! Seriously I still have to look at the calendar to know what day it is…
Please tell me I am NOT the only one.

Anywho…

I have to start the L♥Vedom with my new workout/walking partner – my 14 (soon-to-be 15) year old son Peyton.

My sweet kiddo deserves a medal for being so determined to get healthy that he is willing to workout with his old Mom. But he has in fact agreed to do the 30 Day Shred (I started over at Day One yesterday to do it with him) and to walk with me as well as hit the gym when the time comes.
GO PEYTON!
(I am so stinkin’ proud of him!!!)

Getting his walk on…


Let’s continue with some amazing features from a couple of my fellow KICKASS bloggers…






I have posted items from Lesley (of Fabulously Flawed fame) before – because – well she rocks – enough said. But this par-tay she is hosting EVERY Thursday is just coolio and makes me SO wish I was the crafty sort. I do covet it all – check her out!








Destiny aka ★Rockin’ Mama ★ & her multi-media hop – I love one-stop-hopping – cause I am lazy as doo-dah. Well not really, but kinda.
*smirk*
Anywho – her blog is fun and her current 10 Days of BS challenge is one I am participating in and L♥Vin’!

L♥VE this little girl’s room – and look – it’s already monogrammed for Skylar! *heh*

This FABULOUS room was made possible by feltsocute via tip junkie. I L♥VE her – check out her Facebook page as well – I L♥VE the daily feeds!

L♥VE my new bamboo plant!

Believed to bring prosperity – I will keep ya updated – as it has yet to happen!

Oddly enough I am L♥Vin Lauren Conrad’s rainbow hair…

It’s fun and if I were a wee bit (okay A LOT) younger I would so rock this look ALL summerlong!

L♥VE L♥VE L♥VE this trend!

Talk about channeling your inner Wonder Woman!

L♥VE shoulder tatts…

Must.have.one.soon!

L♥VE potty training!

Okay blatant lie – but I do L♥VE my darling Skylar and how hard she is trying. She had it nailed and decided yesterday this whole potty thing just wasn’t for her.
Who am I to tell her otherwise?
So we give it some time and try again soon!

Last but not least...
I L♥VE Brian…

My soulmate and the best Daddy I have ever known.
You are wonderful!

There ya have it -- and I promise to be a better blogger -- holidays totally screw me up!

xxoo
♥cyn♥