Friday, July 15, 2011
Inside My Own Head
So I have kinda been a wee bit MIA this week – usually I post almost daily – but I have been (as I call it) a bit *in my own head* lately.
Plus I have been a little unsure how much I wanted to share about my experience in addressing my depression. Even just typing the word is hard for me… for some odd reason I feel better calling it *anxiety*? Which it is, but the anxious feelings stem from something else.
But I have decided that being as honest as I can be about it will only help me… and right now I need to help me as much as I can!
So with that being said; I saw my primary care doctor and the whole experience went so much better than I had hoped. And trust me – I was SUPER wound up about even going.
I went in, told her exactly how I was feeling and I was diagnosed as clincally depressed -- your basic depression with atypical symptoms.
It’s funny how denial works. I have known something wasn’t *right* for a long time – but I equated it to stress or individual situations – never really looking at the BIG picture. When I finally did, I realized that it was a bigger problem than I thought and something I couldn’t deal with on my own.
I am no longer the vivacious person I once was who cared about every single aspect of her life. I have become complacent, sad, and basically numb. I am not an active participant in my own life – just going through the motions and finding very little joy in doing so. That friends is not how it should be. I want to be *ME* again.
So I was prescibed Wellbutrin and I am currently seeking a therapist to work through some of my issues. Not sure if and what my medical will cover and I have not had the best experiences with therapists.
I am happy to be on the right path – but I gotta admit; being *medicated* scares the shit out of me. And when the doctor initially threw out the word *prozac* (she decided Wellbutrin would be better for me) I nearly pee’d myself.
There is a certain stigma to it all.
But the doctor assured me that more people than I can ever even imagine are in the same boat I am and taking *medication*. And really -- does it matter? This is about me -- screw the world!
But even the *screw it* attitude still doesn’t fully ease me – but that is my anxiety working overtime as always.
So I am on the Wellbutrin (just a few days in) and adjusting to that which makes me feel over-caffinated yet oddly super aware.
Does that make any sense?
Currently I take one pill per day but next week I will up the dose to two pills per day and continue on that until… well, who knows?
Jessica, my doctor, says that I need to be on Wellbutrin a good six weeks until I know for sure how it is helping me. Another reason why I want to write about and be honest about this experience. I want to track my progress.
I see Jessica in mid-September and I am really hoping it is a MUCH better visit. I really want this to work and not be one of those poor individuals who have to go through a bevy of medications to find out the one that works best for them.
The thought of that process SUPER scares me.
So that is my story and I am sticking to it.
And I promise that my blog will not become some sad blog solely about depression and my process to dig myself out of the hole. But it will be a part it.
Life carries on… and hopefully it carries on in a different HAPPIER direction!
*** On a side note ***
Thank you for the kind comments and encouragement! It means more to me than words can express. I love this community! And if anyone has any experiences with depression and/or Wellbutrin I would LOVEEEEEE to hear about them. You can leave me a comment or email me directly (Link on my profile).