Friday, July 15, 2011

Inside My Own Head

Ello Blog-o-sphere!

So I have kinda been a wee bit MIA this week – usually I post almost daily – but I have been (as I call it) a bit *in my own head* lately.

Plus I have been a little unsure how much I wanted to share about my experience in addressing my depression. Even just typing the word is hard for me… for some odd reason I feel better calling it *anxiety*? Which it is, but the anxious feelings stem from something else.
I digress…

But I have decided that being as honest as I can be about it will only help me… and right now I need to help me as much as I can!
So with that being said; I saw my primary care doctor and the whole experience went so much better than I had hoped. And trust me – I was SUPER wound up about even going.
I went in, told her exactly how I was feeling and I was diagnosed as
clincally depressed -- your basic depression with atypical symptoms.

It’s funny how denial works. I have known something wasn’t *right* for a long time – but I equated it to stress or individual situations – never really looking at the BIG picture. When I finally did, I realized that it was a bigger problem than I thought and something I couldn’t deal with on my own.
I am no longer the vivacious person I once was who cared about every single aspect of her life. I have become complacent, sad, and basically numb. I am not an active participant in my own life – just going through the motions and finding very little joy in doing so. That friends is not how it should be. I want to be *ME* again.

So I was prescibed
Wellbutrin and I am currently seeking a therapist to work through some of my issues. Not sure if and what my medical will cover and I have not had the best experiences with therapists.

I am happy to be on the right path – but I gotta admit; being *medicated* scares the shit out of me. And when the doctor initially threw out the word *prozac* (she decided Wellbutrin would be better for me) I nearly pee’d myself.

There is a certain stigma to it all.
But the doctor assured me that more people than I can ever even imagine are in the same boat I am and taking *medication*. And really -- does it matter? This is about me -- screw the world!

But even the *screw it* attitude still doesn’t fully ease me – but that is my anxiety working overtime as always.

So I am on the Wellbutrin (just a few days in) and adjusting to that which makes me feel over-caffinated yet oddly super aware.
Does that make any sense?
Currently I take one pill per day but next week I will up the dose to two pills per day and continue on that until… well, who knows?
Jessica, my doctor, says that I need to be on Wellbutrin a good six weeks until I know for sure how it is helping me. Another reason why I want to write about and be honest about this experience. I want to track my progress.

I see Jessica in mid-September and I am really hoping it is a MUCH better visit. I really want this to work and not be one of those poor individuals who have to go through a bevy of medications to find out the one that works best for them.
The thought of that process SUPER scares me.

So that is my story and I am sticking to it.
And I promise that my blog will not become some sad blog solely about depression and my process to dig myself out of the hole. But it will be a part it.
Life carries on… and hopefully it carries on in a different HAPPIER direction!


*** On a side note ***
Thank you for the kind comments and encouragement! It means more to me than words can express. I love this community! And if anyone has any experiences with depression and/or Wellbutrin I would LOVEEEEEE to hear about them. You can leave me a comment or email me directly (Link on my profile).


  1. I couldn't do Wellbutrin, because of my history with eating disorders (that was one of the "warnings") but I have a big history with depression as well as other medications! I was most successful with a combination of Zoloft and Topamax (which is really for seizures, but my doc said that it also helps with anxiety).

    Anyways, you are absolutely right, SCREW IT. You have to do what's best for YOU, and not worry about what others think, which I know is easier said than done.

    Also, you may not have to be on medication FOREVER. There is a light at the end of the medication tunnel, at least there was for me. I used it for years, and then eventually (under doctor supervision) tapered off and have been medication free for nearly three years now and doing pretty well.

    Great job taking care of YOU.


  2. It's alright if you need to just spend a little time in your own head. Share whatever you're comfortable sharing.

    Being on medication for depression isn't as much of a stigma as it used to be. It really is more common than you think.

    I only suffer from seasonal depression so I don't have any advice for you. So, I'll just give you a ::hug:: and hope it all works out for you.

  3. Good share...sometimes just sharing openly and someone reads your post can make the world of difference in their life.

    Happy Blogging!

  4. I give you major props for being so open and honest.

    Do what you need to do. Write or don't write.

    I hope you find the you you want to be!!

  5. Hi, I'am clinically depression with suicidal episodes. I was on wellbutrin a few years ago and It does make it feel like you just a little too much cocoa cola before you went to Sunday school. I saw a therapist but he just doped me up and took a check. My depression stemmed from insomnia but not its worse because Im a cancer patient. Im praying for you to hang in there if you ever need to talk hop on over to my blog Im always up

  6. It is about you. I have clinical depression and panic disorder. currently am on prozac but my mom and grandma both take it as well. I do think it helps me although it is not a cure. I think talking to a therapist would be a good idea for you. I've had my share of bad experiences with them as well but am also thinking of talking to someone again.

  7. I think it is great you made the first step and your doctor was helpful.

    Oh and I think you should write whatever you want. It is your blog and your space and writing is good for the soul!

    Good Luck and I will be reading whatever you choose to share!

  8. It's awesome that you took the first step and asked for help, you shouldn't have to suffer if you don't have to!
    blogging is great medicine too, so type your little heart out and stay positive :)


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